My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
