ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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