Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Randomize
