She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Randomize
