Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
