What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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