dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You're like the curious george of whores
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
