went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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