should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
