i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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