i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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