remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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