If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
