apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Randomize
