You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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