she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
