I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize