You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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