Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
