you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
