If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
