No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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