I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
you had me at cake vodka
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
