Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
