remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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