i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize