My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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