the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
