and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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