It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
