so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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