How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
