dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
