His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
