Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
