That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize