So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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