your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
