i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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