I feel like abortions should bother me more
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
