"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
