dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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