Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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