Have you finally orgasmed yet?
love makes seman taste better
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
