I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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