I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
