I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
