D3 body, D1 cock
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize