so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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