you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
