Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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