my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
