just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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