i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
