3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
