What did we do last night that was yellow?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
