you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
