You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
