I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
