Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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