so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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