watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You are the jesus of drinking
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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