it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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