I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
