Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
