I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
