I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
