My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
