...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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