you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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