Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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