and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
