just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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