I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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