Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
